I really don’t know if you are aware of the things you have done to my family and with my marriage, but I must say that I don’t know why would a woman allow a man to enter her life when the man is still committed to someone or how can you allow him to enter when you know he has kids that will get hurt. I don’t know if you have guilt in your system and knowing that we are existing in his life, but still you didn’t think twice or even thrice.

You really don’t know how I am feeling the day I met you and what I really wanted to slap you, cursed you and even tell you that you broke my children’s hope that love is something that needs to waited and that someone is destined for you.

You don’t know how much I am hurting, when all I think about is blaming myself for all of this. You made me doubt of how beautiful I am as a person and what’s inside me. You made me feel that my husband lowers his standard and to love you and make me feel so insecure and unworthy of love. You damaged my ability to trust people around me.

How can you do this when you knew we are still together, we may not be perfectly happy then, but we are still living in the same roof, kisses me and say I love you just like before?

I don’t know how you manage to walk in everyday in your office knowing that he’s just right there. I don’t know how you manage to be completely happy with him knowing that I am dying and that anyone dying just wanted to feel that they are loved and wanted. How can you say you love him when you know you are ruining his relationship with his kids? That every night my son will cry and will tell that he will never chose to be selfish even if he finds love.

But, I know it didn’t cross your mind that you are hurting me and my children, specially when you and my husband are flirting, exchanging text and saying I love you’s to each other. When my son was waiting for his dad to call or text because his mom was rushed to the hospital due to excessive bleeding and pain. But, we know that he will not do that because he’s with you.

Maybe I was so lenient enough that I don’t see our marriage is failing and my kids are getting hurt everyday. Maybe I was so trusting that he was having feelings for you and I am not enough for him that’s why he let you enter his life and maybe I was really the one who has been holding on to this marriage and maybe I was the problem at all.

There’s a lot of maybe’s, but I know this will not end. Me questioning my self, if this is all my fault, or maybe you should have understand that infidelity is a crime of man and a crime to God. That we should have done this by ourselves, that I should be the one who makes him laugh and share his thoughts not you. But at the end of the day, I know that you can never love him the way I do, You can never make him smile the way I do, You can never hear his deepest secrets the way I do and you can never had him the way I had.

You will never know the little secrets on how I made him laugh and excited to go home to be with us. You will never experience the way I experience him when he’s home, why he didn’t reply on your messages when he’s with us and how he would love to be hugged and kissed in the morning and at night. I know he loved me for who I am and I am sure of it and I know he treasure everything we have.

I truly wished that you will never ever in your life experience all the pain and suffering I went through because of your relationship. The sleepless nights, the anxiety that attacks me almost every second of the day and the thought that I am not good enough. Because no one in this world deserves that feeling. No one is deserving to be treated like this when you know the story of my life from the day I had my miscarriage from the day that the doctor told me that I am dying.

I have a lot of pain going through that time and all I wanted was the full attention of my husband, but you still pushed your selfishness with him. I don’t know why you can’t wait until the day I die, why you need to let me experience this kind of pain when the remaining time I have is still filled with pain because of my Cancer. I wish you have though of the things you knew about me and about us, about what he’s going through, you should at least have the guts to say NO to him and tell him about what’s going through our family that he needs to focus on us on my children on preparing them when I am gone, but you still didn’t think about it and still pushed what you think is right at that moment.

I just wish that you’ll have a beautiful life and that no one will ever make you feel the way you make me feel today and I hope you find your peace in your heart and stop contacting me again to tell me that I am not worthy of him. I never used my children for him to come back to me, I’ve been pushing him away to get back to you, but I don’t know why he chose me. I am dying and all I wanted is just to live my life full of happiness and good memories.

 

 

*photo not mine

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